Distractions seep in because the stress and pressure of the deadlines break down the process that keeps you focused. You spend hours fooling around online trying to find out if your great-great-grandmother really was in the first row when Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg Address, and then you suddenly develop a compelling interest in rereading articles you wrote and published years ago. But you find that on this occasion, for some reason, your concentration is shot. Say youвЂ™re a writer and you have two imminent deadlines to meet, so you need to sit down and focus on the work at hand. However, when we are stressed or overloaded-when weвЂ™re trying to multitask, for instance-the monitoring can break down and those other things weвЂ™re trying to exclude are much more likely to come up and be expressed. A body of research studies has illuminated how we consciously and subconsciously monitor ourselves to exclude things that could interfere with what weвЂ™re doing. We all usually succeed in controlling what we do. The pressure on the child does not have to be as direct as вЂњDo it, or elseвЂќ it can take the form of a cloud of eager expectation in the household. When you crank up the pressure on a child, youвЂ™re more likely to see the cognitive component of reactance (вЂњNo! I wonвЂ™t do it!вЂќ) intensified by its emotional component (folded arms, raised voice, increased stubbornness: вЂњLeave me alone!вЂќ). Reactance explains why people are eager to reject what they think is forced on them and seek out something they cannot or should not have. This kind of opposition is not unique to children in fact, most of the research on it has been done with adults. It occurs when someone feels he is being pressured and there is some added limit being placed on his freedom or choice. Reactance refers to a reaction that is directly opposite to some rule or request. There are two well-studied topics in psychology that help explain oppositional behavior and what to do about it. When the parentвЂ™s stress is reduced, the childвЂ™s behavior returns to the less defiant and oppositional mode.

The two responses reinforce each other, and conflict escalates from there. The child, reacting, engages in slightly more defiant behavior and is slightly more oppositional. The voice is slightly more pressed, slightly more impatient. When a parent encounters stress at work or elsewhere outside the home, her tone of voice and commands to her children are affected. We are usually unaware of the range and force of such influences, which can be very subtle.Д¬onsider a related situation that produces a similar effect. For instance, the way you say something-tone of voice, whether thereвЂ™s a вЂњpleaseвЂќ in front of it, the kind of interaction that precedes a request-influences the response you receive. To understand how this works, begin from the premise that behavior is heavily controlled by antecedents: whatever you do to set the stage for a behavior to prompt it to occur. If every time your child so much as flicks her eyes over a plate of green beans you jump at the opportunity to exclaim, вЂњReady to try a bite of Big Girl Grow Food and earn three Big Girl Stickers?!вЂќ you may well have reached a stage at which even your constructive praise and attention registers as added pressure to be resisted. Why does this reverse in tactics work? And how do we explain its effectiveness in light of what the body of scientific research tells us about behavior?Д¬onsider the possibility that the atmosphere of heightened expectation surrounding the desired behavior is the problem. YouвЂ™re stuck and frustrated, and you donвЂ™t know what to do. The more you need your child to do what you want, the less likely it is to happen. Your intense-OK, desperate-interest only seems to inspire more opposition. You know your child is physically capable of doing what youвЂ™re asking because he has done it on occasion, but he will not do it with any regularity. Well, OK, you lost it once or twice, which is only human, but for the most part youвЂ™re doing everything right: diligently practicing the behavior with your child, enthusiastically praising any steps in the right direction and awarding stickers on a chart so masterfully designed that it belongs in a psychology textbook. Your expectation is reasonable, and you are being as positive, constructive, encouraging, patient, consistent, and gently firm as any parent could be. LetвЂ™s say that thereвЂ™s something you really, really want your child to do: complete toilet training before starting preschool in a few weeks, or eat more than the three P-foods (pasta, pizza, potato chips) heвЂ™s currently willing to eat, or take a bath without putting up a fight.

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